Influence Is a Practice, Not a Personality
How skills and behaviours outlined almost 100 years ago remain spot on today
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We don’t win people over with facts alone. We win them with how they feel in our presence.
This is exactly the subject of Dale Carnegie’s 1936 book How to Win Friends & Influence People. Almost a century later, the book is still in print, still selling and still quoted in leadership circles. That longevity isn’t an accident. Carnegie captured something that tends to be overlooked: influence is about how we make others feel.
Today, leaders and professionals face challenges Carnegie couldn’t have imagined - hybrid teams, algorithm-driven workplaces, AI-enabled communication. And yet, his core insights hold. We may have Slack instead of memos and LinkedIn instead of rotary phones, but people haven’t changed as much as one might think. The levers of trust, persuasion and collaboration are still very much human.
After re-reading How to Win Friends & Influence People, I decided to write about four field-tested approaches inspired by Carnegie’s thinking that I use with clients and colleagues every day - each with suggestions that you can try immediately.
1. Lead With Curiosity, Not Criticism
Carnegie argued that direct criticism almost never works. It triggers defensiveness rather than change. Even if people nod along, the message rarely lands - in many cases, simply because they are upset. Instead, he suggested showing curiosity about someone’s reasoning.
Take performance reviews. The worst start with: “Here’s what you did wrong.” You can almost feel the wall going up. A Carnegie-inspired version might start with: “Help me understand what led you to take that approach.” The shift from judgement to curiosity opens a dialogue. People don’t shut down in such a setting - they lean in.
“Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person's precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.” - Dale Carnegie
In my consulting work, I’ve seen this play out many times. Imagine a CEO opening a meeting by criticising their team for failing to deliver a digital transformation on time. By asking the project lead a more neutral question like “What obstacles did you run into?” you will get the real deal and understand what happened - things like supplier bottlenecks, unclear governance or unrealistic timelines are likely to emerge.
Try this today: Replace one piece of criticism with a curious question. Notice the difference in how the conversation unfolds.
Level up: In an upcoming debrief, ask the person to explain what they’d do differently next time. This invites self-reflection instead of imposing blame, and it often surfaces smarter solutions than you’d propose yourself.
An example from today’s world: In remote work, where misunderstandings multiply over text, curiosity is even more powerful. Instead of firing back in Slack with “This isn’t what I asked for”, try a message like “Can you walk me through how you interpreted the brief?” Tone is hard to read online, and curiosity makes sure you don’t default to conflict.
2. Recognise Other People’s Efforts Frequently
Carnegie knew people crave appreciation - not flattery, but recognition of genuine effort. He thought that the deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.
“Be ‘hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise,’ and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime - repeat them years after you have forgotten them.” - Dale Carnegie
Too often, recognition gets rationed out as if it were a scarce resource. Yet, it costs nothing to notice when someone has gone the extra mile. In remote teams especially, the silence of digital work can make small acts invisible. If nobody calls out the engineer who fixed a bug at midnight, or the analyst who spotted an error before it reached a client, people feel unseen. And when people feel unseen, performance dips.
I once worked with a client whose head of operations had a ritual: every Friday afternoon, he’d send a one-line note to someone in his division, thanking them for something specific. The note wasn’t copied to the whole team. It wasn’t a big announcement. But people kept those emails for years. That small gesture created loyalty you couldn’t buy with bonuses.
Recognition is also contagious. A team that sees its leader acknowledge effort starts acknowledging each other. It builds a culture where appreciation is normal, not exceptional.
Try this today: End your next meeting by pointing out one contribution that made a difference. It sets a cultural signal: people are seen here.
Level up: Get granular. Instead of “Great job on the report,” say: “Your synthesis of those four conflicting datasets made it easy for the board to see the trade-offs.” Specific praise signals that you’ve paid attention.
An example from today’s world: Recognition tools like Kudos boards or peer-to-peer shoutouts in project management platforms can scale Carnegie’s principle for hybrid teams. But don’t outsource it entirely to software. A quick, personal note via chat often lands much better than a badge in an app.
3. Speak to Other People’s Incentives
Carnegie insisted that persuasion works best when you connect with what the other person already wants. To achieve this, you need to do some proper prep work to make sure you understand your audience.
“A barber lathers a man before he shaves him.” - Dale Carnegie
Think of change projects. Leaders often announce new initiatives in terms of their own priorities, like efficiency and growth. But people follow when they see how the change helps them: less frustration, more autonomy, better outcomes for clients.
I once advised on an integration where senior leaders framed the new structure around “synergies” and “efficiencies.” Employees heard only: “Job cuts.” Unsurprisingly, resistance was high. When managers began reframing the same initiative around customer experience (“we’ll be able to resolve complaints on the first call”), staff buy-in rose dramatically. What changed was simply the framing - not the goal.
This applies in everyday conversations too. If you’re pitching an idea to a colleague, don’t start with what excites you. Start with what matters to them. If they’re under pressure to hit quarterly targets, show how your idea supports that. If they care about reputation with regulators, emphasise compliance benefits. You’re translating your idea into their language.
Try this today: Before pitching an idea, write down not just why it matters to you, but why it matters to the person across the table.
Level up: Try Carnegie’s “yes ladder.” Begin by aligning on small points of agreement before introducing your main proposal. Agreement builds momentum. Resistance often comes when we skip straight to the big ask.
An example from today’s world: In cross-functional projects, shared goals prevent turf wars. If IT wants efficiency and Marketing wants customer experience, don’t sell a system upgrade as a cost-saving tool. Frame it as “fewer glitches for customers, fewer late-night calls for IT.” When you find the overlap, you win allies instead of making enemies.
4. Let Others Co-Author Solutions
Carnegie emphasised that effective leaders empower others by valuing and embracing their contributions: if you want someone to commit, let them shape the solution. People tend to support what they help create.
“Why talk about what we want? That is childish. Absurd. Of course, you are interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want.” - Dale Carnegie
This is serious strategy, not a cheap trick. Studies in organisational behaviour show that involvement drives buy-in far more than instruction ever could. Whether you’re running a workshop or managing a project, the smartest move might be to speak less and ask more.
I recall a client workshop where executives debated how to improve customer retention. Instead of arriving with pre-written recommendations, I asked them: “What’s one friction point you’ve heard customers complain about?” The whiteboard filled in minutes. By the end, the executives had generated and prioritised pretty much the same list my team had prepared in advance - but because the list was theirs, they were motivated to act.
Try this today: In your next decision-making session, resist the urge to propose first. Ask the group: “What do you think the best way forward is?” and build from there.
Level up: When someone proposes an idea you already had in mind, don’t rush to claim credit. Encourage it, build on it, and let them carry it forward. You’ll gain influence by stepping back.
An example from today’s world: Online collaboration tools make this easier. Instead of sharing a finished slide deck, post a half-formed Miro board and ask colleagues to build on it. In distributed teams, co-creation is the only way to prevent solutions from feeling imposed.
Co-Creation Done Right
Co-creation is not a buzzword. Every organisation claims to value collaboration. Yet, in practice, too many co-creation sessions (e.g. workshops) end up as performative rituals: sticky notes, vague themes and little follow-through.
Why Carnegie Still Matters
It’s tempting to dismiss Carnegie’s advice as common sense. But if it were truly common, our workplaces wouldn’t be full of defensive meetings, disengaged employees and failed change efforts. His book endures because it names principles we too easily overlook when pressure rises.
Some readers do feel that Carnegie’s teachings can sometimes come off as manipulative or overly agreeable if applied uncritically - and there is some truth in that. You shouldn’t follow his advice blindly, or you might end up with superficial relationships or emotional exhaustion by trying to please everyone.
But Carnegie’s teachings, when taken with a grain of salt, can go a very long way in achieving your goals: for example, the lessons above are aligned with my ethos and I apply them regularly as part of my leadership practices.
In the end, influence is all about respect, attention and empathy - currencies that never depreciate. For leaders in any industry, these currencies matter more than ever. We live in a world of tools that promise shortcuts to influence: data dashboards, AI summaries, persuasive templates. Yet, the truth is that people are not persuaded by dashboards or templates. They’re persuaded by whether they feel heard, recognised and respected.
In a world obsessed with tools and techniques, Carnegie reminds us that people are still people. And if you can win their trust, you can move mountains.
I'm Andrea, a management consultant with over a decade of experience across industry and academia. I work with commercial, non-profit, academic and government organisations worldwide, helping them capture meaningful insights through mixed methods research.
I write about practical frameworks to help you discover what others miss. My main goal is to translate complex concepts into techniques that readers can use immediately.
As a high school girls' lacrosse coach, all of these are critical strategies in coaching too! Great piece!
Really helpful insights to share. Thank you. I’ve never read it (how can that be?!) but will put it on my Christmas list now