Asking Differently
How the science of questioning nurtures curiosity in children—and wisdom in leaders
This article is a collaboration with Kunlun | Playful Brains. His publication, Playful Brains, lives at the intersection of parenting, science, and wonder.
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Watch a child at play and you’ll see pure learning: trial, error, laughter and endless “why?”s. Somewhere along the way, most adults lose that — not because we stop learning, but because we start believing that knowing matters more than wondering.
At some point, we start to see questions as tools for control or evaluation, rather than connection and discovery. The research is clear: the way we question children profoundly shapes how they learn, how they trust and how they see thinking itself.
Drawing on insights from developmental psychology, educational theory and practical experience, this piece explores how adults can use questions not to test or teach, but to ignite.
What began as an exploration of how adults can guide children’s thinking evolved to include reflections on leadership, too — on how questions can build understanding, confidence and trust wherever people learn together. Keep reading to find all our tips!
Five Ways to Build Bridges Through Questions
These five principles help us explore how small shifts can turn everyday exchanges with children into moments that strengthen curiosity and understanding. After each principle, look out for leadership lessons: the world’s tiniest CEOs do have a lot to teach us.
1. Meet them at their level
Children don’t think in summaries. They think in moments. When I ask my daughter, “How was school today?” I usually get a shrug or a quiet “fine.” But when I ask, “Who did you play with at the sand table?” or “What game did you make up on the playground?” her whole face lights up. Young children live in the concrete world of experiences, not abstractions. They understand who, what and where long before they can wrap their heads around “how was your day”.
Jean Piaget showed that children’s thinking evolves from concrete operations (understanding through doing) to abstract reasoning. Lev Vygotsky added that children thrive in the “zone of proximal development” — the space between what they can do alone and what they can do with a trusted adult’s help. When we meet children at their level, we’re not simplifying; we’re scaffolding. We are helping them build from the familiar toward the unknown.
That same principle applies to how we frame our questions: broad or abstract questions can leave children adrift, while gentle constraints give them a place to start thinking aloud. Bounded openness helps children find their footing. Research in cognitive load theory (Sweller, 1988) explains why: very broad questions overload the “scratchpad” of working memory, making it hard to pick a starting point. More specific questions limit what needs to be held in mind, so attention can focus and the right memories (schemas) are easier to find and describe. Similarly, studies on scaffolding (Wood, Bruner & Ross, 1976) show that constraining choices provides the support children need to build understanding without removing their sense of agency.
Practical tips for parents:
Anchor questions in the here and now. When you’re cooking, ask “What do you think will happen when we mix these two?” When walking outside, “Do you think the wind feels different in the shade?”
Reflect their language and rhythm. If your child says, “The rain is loud,” you can echo, “It really is! What else makes that sound?” Mirroring invites them to keep thinking aloud.
Avoid overcorrecting. Curiosity grows best when children feel safe to guess. Treat their ideas as starting points, not answers to fix.
A lesson for leaders: Leaders, like parents, often forget that others don’t share their context. What feels obvious from the top — the vision, the ‘why’ — can sound abstract and distant to those focused on the day-to-day. Meeting people at their level doesn’t mean dumbing things down; it means building the bridge between the concrete and the strategic.
For more on bounded openness in practice, see:
2. Turn questions into play
Questions don’t need to feel like pop quizzes. In fact, when they do, curiosity shuts down. The brain interprets pressure as threat, not a great recipe for wonder. The trick is to turn questions into invitations for play, imagination and laughter.
Studies in neuroscience show that play activates the brain’s reward circuitry, releasing dopamine and norepinephrine, which fuel focus, motivation and memory. Montessori classrooms harness this by letting children learn through hands-on exploration. Reggio Emilia educators call this the hundred languages of children, meaning that play, art and movement are not distractions from learning, but essential forms of it. When questions feel like play, children’s curiosity thrives.
Play and process go hand in hand. When children are invited to explore rather than perform, they learn that ideas — not answers — are what matter. Psychologist Carol Dweck’s work on the growth mindset shows that praising effort and strategy rather than innate ability builds persistence and curiosity. When adults respond to mistakes with interest (like “That’s an unusual way to think about it. Tell me more.”), they model intellectual humility and signal that reasoning matters as much as results.
Research in formative assessment (Black & Wiliam, 1998) echoes this: when feedback focuses on process, students engage more deeply and retain knowledge longer. Even in early childhood, experiments by Mueller and Dweck (1998) found that children praised for effort rather than intelligence or ability are more likely to tackle harder puzzles later.
Practical tips for parents:
Ask as if you’re joining a game, not running a test. Instead of “What colour is this?” try “If this colour had a smell, what would it be?” or “What would happen if you could swim in that colour?”
Use make-believe. “If your stuffed animals could talk, what do you think they’d say to each other?” or “If your block tower had feelings, how would it feel when it falls?”
Add movement. “Can you show me with your body how a tree moves in the wind?” Movement helps children embody ideas they can’t yet verbalise.
A lesson for leaders: Play is the secret ingredient of innovation. Teams, like children, think more freely when curiosity feels safe and exploration feels welcome. When leaders frame questions as open invitations rather than evaluations, creative energy returns.
3. Let silence do its work
Adults often rush to fill silence, especially with children. But what feels like a gap in conversation is often just when the child is thinking. Children process language more slowly than adults: they’re not just recalling facts, they’re translating ideas into words, weighing whether their answer will “fit.”
The research on wait time, pioneered by Mary Budd Rowe (1972), found that when teachers paused for at least three seconds after asking a question, students’ responses became longer, more complex and more reflective. Subsequent studies confirmed the same effect across ages and contexts: allowing time signals respect and trust in the child’s capacity to think.
Practical tips for parents:
After asking a question, resist the urge to repeat or rephrase… wait!
Notice the difference between silence and stillness; often, it’s thinking in motion.
Try timing your own responses: three seconds can feel long, but it’s transformative.
A lesson for leaders: In meetings, mentorship or strategy sessions, leaders often mistake silence for disengagement. However, thoughtful pauses allow others to organise their ideas and build the courage to speak, especially when the room is filled with more senior colleagues! The best leaders create space for insight to surface.
Find out the impact that silence can have on leadership, in this article co-authored with Adi:
4. Follow their thread, not yours
Adults often enter with a lesson in mind: “Let’s talk about the weather,” “We should discuss sharing.” Children’s attention flows differently. They learn through what catches their senses — a bug on the ground, a crack in the sidewalk, a sound they can’t explain. The best questions begin there.
Constructivist learning theory, inspired by Piaget and Dewey, holds that children build understanding by actively constructing meaning. Self-Determination Theory adds that autonomy and interest are core drivers of motivation. When questions arise from what a child already finds compelling, they learn not because they must, but because they want to. Following their thread is how we keep the flame of intrinsic motivation alive.
Practical tips for parents:
Start where they are looking. Curiosity is contagious. Join it, don’t override it.
Allow detours. Conversations with children often loop and meander. That’s not a failure. That’s just their brains at work, making sense of the world.
Model not-knowing. Saying “Hmm, I’m not sure! What do you think?” teaches intellectual humility and shared exploration.
A lesson for leaders: In leadership conversations, it’s tempting to steer toward your own agenda — the KPI, the milestone, the talking point. But engagement starts when you follow what lights others up. When someone’s eyes spark with energy around an idea, stay there. Ask why it matters to them and what they’d try next.
5. End with wonder
Adults love closure… the tidy bow of an answer. But wonder lives in the open spaces. Research on inquiry-based learning and the “information-gap effect” shows that curiosity peaks when uncertainty is just enough to invite pursuit. Model comfort with not knowing so imagination can take root.
Practical tips for parents:
End with a question you won’t fully answer: “Why do stars twinkle?” Let it linger.
Turn explanations into experiments: put ice cubes in different spots and ask, “Which melts first?”
Use “I wonder…” language to signal shared curiosity.
A lesson for leaders: Close with “What’s still unclear?” or “What do we wish we understood better?” Wonder doesn’t signal indecision; it signals openness.
Ten Traps To Avoid
The five ideas we just explored sound simple, but our habits often pull us in the opposite direction: even with the best intentions, many adults fall into patterns that quietly shut down curiosity.
We were often taught to question in ways that reward speed, correctness and obedience rather than wonder, patience and exploration.
Drawing on research in developmental psychology, education and communication, here are ten common traps to avoid:
Don’t ask rapid-fire questions.
Don’t treat every conversation like a test.
Don’t answer your own question too soon.
Don’t ask abstract questions too early.
Don’t ignore what captures their attention.
Don’t reward only correct answers.
Don’t fill every silence with talk.
Don’t use rhetorical or leading questions.
Don’t overload them with choice.
Don’t close every question with an answer.
Curiosity grows in invitation. When we resist the urge to over-direct, over-explain and over-control, we make space for the child’s (or colleague’s!) own wonder to emerge. In those moments, we’re teaching them how to think and how to stay curious for life.
When you think about it, this is not too dissimilar to coaching.
Full Circle: From Play to Grown-up Wisdom
If there’s one thread that runs through all the research, it’s that growth begins with wondering. Whether we’re guiding a child or leading a team, our questions can either narrow the world or open it wider. The most powerful moments of learning happen when people feel safe enough to explore new avenues.
So much of leadership, like parenting or teaching, is about resisting the impulse to rush, correct or control. Asking differently, with patience and genuine interest, changes the dynamic entirely. It turns dialogue into discovery and hierarchy into partnership.
The science reminds us what wisdom often forgets: questions are an act of care. In the end, the most lasting thing we can offer to a child, a student or a colleague, is the confidence to keep asking.
I’m Andrea, a management consultant with over a decade of experience across industry and academia. I work with commercial, non-profit, academic and government organisations worldwide, helping them capture meaningful insights through mixed methods research.
I write about practical frameworks to help you discover what others miss. My main goal is to translate complex concepts into techniques that readers can use immediately.
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This is a beautifully crafted piece that bridges developmental psychology and leadership wisdom. I love how it reframes questioning not as extraction but as invitation!
This is SO good!